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15 Rules Of Drunk Dialing

Before you go out getting sloppy drunk and start phoning every friend, family, relative, or random person you can come across - there are a few rules you must know. Etiquette is very important, especially when drunk dialing.  Only drunk...

Fake Eye

A man walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye." The bartender says, "Yeah, right! I've never seen anyone do that!" So the man takes out his glass eye and bites it. The angry bartender pa...

Tales From The Loony Bin

Dr. Smith recently got his doctorate in psychology and his first assignment was to visit the community loony bin  retirement home for the patient's monthly mental examination. He sees his first patient and asks him, "Ralph, how much is six ...

Don’t Step On The Ducks

Three golfing buddies died in an auto accident and went to heaven. Upon arrival, they noticed the most beautiful golf course they have ever seen. St. Peter told them they were welcome to play the course, but he cautioned them with one rule: â€...

Funny Fortune Cookie Fortunes

One of the best things about eating Chinese food is the fortune cookie you get at the end of your meal. Often insightful, normally we get stuff like "You will succeed through your charm and personality." Well, not today! Here are some funny (or u...

Letter From Home

I'm writing this letter slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the...

Yo' Mama Is So Stupid... Haircut

Yo' Mama is so stupid, she put a band-aid on her haircut.

Yo' Mama Is So Nasty... Corns

Yo' Mama is so nasty, when I asked what was for dinner, she took off her shoe and said, "Corns."

Yo' Mama Is So Fat... Richter Scale

Yo' Mama is so fat, she measures her weight on the Richter Scale.

Constipation

Q: Why are constipated people so rude? A: They don't give a crap.

80s Booty Call... Call

Who ya gonna call? How about me?

What Happened in Texas

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals had a habit of picking on strangers. So when he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gu...

$100 Bill Tattoo

A guy asks for a tattoo of a $100 bill on his penis. Curious, the tattoo artist asks him why he would possibly want that. He replies, "Three reasons: I like to play with my money, I like to watch my money grow, and $100 seems to be the only thing...

The Answer

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken takes out a cigarette and begins to smoke. The egg, pissed off, takes one look at the chicken, rolls over and pulls the blanket over him and says, "I guess we answered that question!"

Stuttering Problem

A man visits the doctor because of his severe stuttering problem. The doctor says, "It appears that your penis is four inches too long and is pulling on your vocal cords, thereby causing the stutter." "D-d-d-oct-t-tor. Wh-ha-a-at c-c-can I d-d-...

Yo' Mama Is So Fat... Buffet

Yo' Mama is so fat, when she goes to a buffet, she pulls up a chair.

Blind Bunny Meets Blind Snake

A blind bunny and a blind snake bump into each other on the path. "What kind of animal are you?" asks the snake. "I really don't know," says the bunny. "I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out?" So, the snake felt the b...

Parachutes for two

Michael Jackson, his lawyer, and a small, cute boy are on a plane when the plane suddenly develops engine troubles. "Bad news," the lawyer said. "There are only two parachutes. You and me will go." "What about the boy?" asks Michael. "Scre...

Yo' Mama Is So Skanky... Ocean

Yo' Mama is so skanky, if you put your ear to her butt, you can hear the ocean.

Yo' Mama Is So Poor... Mortgage

Yo' Mama is so poor, she had to get a take a second mortgage on her cardboard shelter.

You'll Be So Fat...Full Sweaters

You'll be so fat after Thanksgiving, instead of belly button lint, you'll find full sweaters.

Satisfaction

There was an older man who'd married a younger woman. All was going well... except in the bedroom. He couldn't last long enough to satisfy her. She said it didn't matter but he knew it was getting her down. So he went to the doctor and ask...

City Girls and Country Boys

A city girl was driving back to town after attending a family funeral when she ran out of gas. It was getting late so she asked two good ol' boys sitting on the stoop of a mobile home where she could get some gas. “Well,” sa...

Skunked

A fellow always wanted to own a pet skunk, so in the dead of winter, he took his girlfriend with him to go hunting for one. After a bit of waiting, they bagged a skunk and brought him back to the truck. The skunk was very scared and very cold,...

Medieval Booty Call... Sword

I'll bet you have a place where I can sheathe my sword.

Walks Into a Bar... Randy Panda

A panda walks into a bar. He asks the bartender how he can get a little action for the night. The bartender motions to a young woman. She talks to the panda, and they go back to her place. After having sex, the panda abruptly leaves. The next ni...

A Pirate Walks Into A Bar

So this pirate walks into a bar, his old favorite - although he hasn't been there in a while. Immediately the bartender notices him and says "Haven't seen ya in a while, where ya been? You look terrible!" "Huh?" said the pirate, "What do you me...

NASCAR Career Summary For Dale Jr

A man walks into a sports bar with his dog. A NASCAR Sprint Cup race is on a TV. He sits down and asks how Dale Earnhardt Jr. is doing. The bartender says "Dale Jr is in 35th, not doing so well". The man's dog jumps up, and runs around the barst...

The Confessional Booth

After a heavy night of drinking at the local bar, a drunk stumbles into a Catholic church and slowly makes his way into the confessional booth. There, the priest patiently awaits the man to begin his confession. After a few minutes of silenc...

A Pirate Joke

With all the pirates hijacking ships for ransom and stuff like that going on in the news, I figured we'd throw out a pirate joke for your reading pleasure... Argg! Pirate Walks Into A Bar So this pirate walks into a bar with a steeri...

13 Margeritas

A guy walks into a bar and asks for 13 margaritas. The bartender abruptly replies, "Wow sir, that sure is a lot, whats the occasion?" So the guy sits down on a stool, hangs his head and tells the curious bartender, "Well, my first b...

Two Ropes

Two ropes walk in to a bar, one rope calls the bartender and says "Barkeep, let me get a couple of beers." The bartender says "I'm sorry we dont serve ropes in here." Frustrated the ropes walk out and, since this was the only bar in town, they ...

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